


More Than Broken

by KaydenEli72



Category: The Greatest Showman - Fandom
Genre: Attempted Suicide, Bars, Broken Bones, Drunkenness, Hospitalization, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, injuries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-28
Updated: 2018-12-19
Packaged: 2019-06-17 10:34:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15459435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaydenEli72/pseuds/KaydenEli72
Summary: Phillip thinks, no, he knows no one cares. The beer doesn’t help, so why not?





	1. Why not?

He knew it was wrong (he had promised the whole circus that he’d stop), well he used to anyway. With 4 bottles down and being halfway through a fifth, he wasn’t sure anymore. To be fair, everything had gone wrong that day, so when he’d stumbled into the bar at half-past ten, he’d figured that one more bad thing couldn’t hurt, could it? Now quarter after midnight, the bartender was telling Phillip to go home and get some rest, Phillip was disagreeing. After ten minutes of arguing, Phillip gave in, stumbling onto the black road, dizzy and confused.

He had walked for a good fifteen minutes before he realized where his feet were taking him, and it wasn’t to his apartment. He was now stumbling up the familiar path to the circus. When he finally reached the inside (right after walking into a door) his legs gave way, and he went down on all fours. He was so exhausted, he couldn’t find the strength to get back up. Then his stomach turned, he raced towards the nearest toilet and threw up. Sadly, his stomac was not done with him, he threw up six more times before he fell to the ground, shaking and pale. A good time later, he found his strength, stood up and walked to his office, calling to check no one was there, not expecting an answer.

He strolled (or so it felt to him in his drunken haze) into the office and over to a full length mirror. Slowly, he unbuttoned his shirt. Once he had pulled it off completely, he looked at his torso in the mirror. Sure it was strong and muscular, but it was covered in burns and cuts. He traced his finger over the worst of them, remembering what had happens to cause them. Most of them were from his father of the fire, but the rest were his own fault and those weren’t accidents. Phillip suddenly felt as though he would puke once more. Kneeling down on all fours, he tried to control himself. When the feeling had passed, he stood up. Looking at himself once more he, in his drunken haze and all those thoughts, decided what he was going to do. Walking to the ring, all he could think of was his fight with her.

’She doesn’t love you, she said it herself’ he thought as he climbed up the long ladder

’No one will care’ he repeated until he believed it 

‘Just do it’ he said aloud, grabbing the bar Anne had used just hours earlier.

Then he jumped, swung as high as he could, and let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I know it’s short, but there will be more.


	2. Again and again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phillip has been here before, he thinks.. Phillip?.

He was falling. Then he wasn’t. It took him a second to feel the pain. There was so much pain but it was almost, calming, what he needed. He saw his leg, bent the wrong way, but his arm looked fine so he tried to move it. Nothing happened. He knew what it meant, but before he could double check, another blow of pain hit him, and he fell, this time into blackness.

_He was outside, but he couldn’t tell where because it was to hot and bright. Then his eyes adjusted, he could see smoke and a lot of people. It was the fire. But this time Anne was out, wasn’t she just in there? Hadn’t he gone and tried to save her? How was he out? He noticed everyone looking at something on the ground, pushing through the crowd, the sight that met his eyes was terrifying. His body, his own body, lying motionless on the dirt. He knew why he was out now. He was the ghost of his own body, and no one knew he was there._

_“Phillip! Phillip! NO!” Anne was screaming and crying, on her knees “WHY?” The world began to fade into black once more, Anne’s screams continuing._

Phillip was suddenly aware of people around him, but his whole body was to weak to move or open his eyes. He began to wonder if this was heaven, as he had just fallen about 30 feet. But he could hear Anne and P.T. talking to someone “We just found him like this, no idea what happened” Then a soft hand found his, calming him as he slipped into unconsciousness  once more.

 

His eyes were to heavy, and his mouth to stiff to open. He could hear two small voices, talking to him and feels a soft hand in his. This was a familiar feeling, like he’d done this before. Then he finally understood, he was in the hospital again with Anne by his side. Then the voices came into focus, making his heart break. Caroline and Helen, were talking- no willing him to wake up, through tears, while Anne seamed to be trying to comfort him. Then his face felt something slide down it, a tear. “Look!” Exclaimed Caroline “do you think he can hear us?” Phillip wanted to respond, wanted to tell them he was okay, so he tried with all his energy to open his eyes. It worked! Caroline case into focus first, the Helen, and finally Anne. All three girl looked surprised, then hugged him and began to cry, knowing he was okay. In the comfort of their arms, Phillip welcomed sleep once more.

The next time he woke, Anne was still there, this time with nobody else, his hand still in hers. “Hey” he croaked. Anne couldn’t have looked happier “Phil I- you were out for so long and with you neck the doctors said you might- you would likely-“ but she couldn’t go on. “My neck?” Phillip questioned wondering what was wrong with it “Yeah, it broke during you’re- what were you doing?” Anne responded with a question of her own. Phillip could feel homself go red “I was um... jumping?” He answered, not sure what to say. Anne looked a cross between angry, sad and amazed “Why?” Phillip was lost for words. He opened his mouth to say sorry, but his throat was to dry. Anne grabbed some water and gave it to him. “I’ve wanted to for as long as I can remember” he said simply “jump off a trapeze bar?” Anne asked, still looking confused. Phillip said what he was thinking before he could stop “No, die”. Anne looked as if she was going to cry “Why didn’t you tell me? Or Phin? Or anyone?” She questioned. Phillip sighed, he was going to have to start from the beginning 


	3. This is me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s time for the truth, no more lying, just the truth. No matter what it means

“I don’t know when or why it started, I must have need born with it” Phillip was done with lying to Anne, P.T. and the rest of the circus, the truth had to come out, so why not now “it just got worse and worse as I got older, my father who insulted me and told me I wasn’t good enough, made it worse. I began to believe him. I started hurting myself, in addition to the punishments I was given by my father. Most days, I couldn’t move, I knew no one cared, no one would check, so I continued. As I got older, the injury’s became smaller, but I started to drink, washing away worries with whiskey. Lots of my plays were about death, but no one made the connection. When I met P.T., thing became easier, the drinking and injury’s subsided. On bad of hard days was when I would injure myself. I’d had a bad week, then the fight today I just-“ he broke off it was to hard to go on.

Anne looked at him “Why- no you answered that. Where and how?” She asked.

Phillip knew exactly what she wa talking about, he went to pull up his shirt, show her the scars, but his arm wouldn’t move.... oh right, his neck “My back, my stomach and my thighs” he responded, not looking her in the eye.

Then a question of his own dawned upon him, so before Anne could press on he asked; “Is anything else broken, when can I preform again?” This time, it was Anne who didn’t meet his gaze

“Well the doctor says found that your neck is going to be okay but- but the way you broke it you will need cruches for the rest of your life. But PT says that he’ll let you stay in the circus, you just cant preform. He really doesn’t want you to leave. She said the last part as though she was worried he would freak out, and she needed to say it quickly.

“So I cant preform?” Phillip was surprised by how quite his voice was

“Yes, but you still own 10% of the show and you can continue to work at the circus with the rest of us. PT made that very clear too”

Phillip was angry. No that wasn’t the word for it.Maybe sad or... jealous? He didn’t know. Then he understood, he was scared. Scared the rest of the circus would be so I am not mad that he would have to leave. Scared no one would trust him. Scared no one would care.

“Phillip are you okay? Is your neck hurting? The doctors said it it would hurt on and off for a while”

Phillip hadn’t realized how silent he had been “Yeah I’m okay Anne, really”

Anne opened her mouth to say something, but at that moment a nurse came over to tell them “Mr Carlyle, you have visitors”

Phillips eyes (not his entire head) swerved to the door. He sighed, this was going to be hard; not being able to do anything properly. Then through the double doors, burst two small bodies. Caroline and Helen Barnum were sprinting at full speed towards him “Phillip!” They yelled together, stopping at the foot of his bed. Phillip was quite sure that Phineas and Charity had specifically told them NOT to jump on Phillip like they normally would.

“We missed you a lot” Helen told him, almost as an order

“Yeah, no one was there to read us stories or sing to us” said Caroline, trying to pout but failing as she was so happy to see him

“What about your parents?” Asked Phillip, knowing Phin, Phillip was sure that he would take his place to make the girls happy

“Well, they did but it really wasn’t the same” Caroline informed him

Phillip laughed, then winced as a sharp pain shot from his neck to his head. Neither of the girl noticed, but Anne shot a worried look his way. “M’ Fine” he muttered, not letting the girls hear. Anne just nodded

“Speaking of your parents” Anne said, shifting her gaze towards the two younger girls, “Where are they? Surly they wouldn’t just leave you here and not come to see Phillip here, now would they?” She asked with raised eyebrows and a joking expression

“They’re coming, we just ran ahead, couldn’t wait” Helen responded, laughing

And sure enough, as if on cue, the doors opened once more to reveal Charity and Phineas Barnum, who both looked relived at the sight of the girls

“Girls! We thought we’d lost you” Charity said, ruining the effect of the words by smiling and laughing

The older two strolled over to where the other four were

“Phillip, how’s the leg?” Asked Phineas, a bit too cheerily. Phillip took this as odd, because his NECK was the one that had been badly injured, not his leg.

“Well it’s nothing compared to-“ he stopped, realizing what Phineas has been trying to tell him; they hadn’t told the girls about what had actually happened, if they had, he realized, the girls would have been a lot more sad and a bit mad he tried to leave them. It made sense as the question would normally be something like ‘Phillip how’s your neck’ or ‘Phillip, are you feeling okay with your neck and all?’ But no, even if Phineas was one of the oddest men Phillip had ever known, he had always show great concern for him so ‘how’s the leg’ seemed odd. It was also the type of thing that Phineas would do. He corrected himself “To- to not seeing you guys” the older pair looked relieved once more.

Why don’t you girls go play outside?” Offered Phillip, thinking Phineas and Charity might like to talk to him- without the girls around

Catching on at once, Phineas added “Maybe Anne could teach you some tricks”

“Sure” replied Anne “Maybe I can teach you some things in the trees out there” winking at the girls

Both girls looked hesitant, as though they wanted to stay with Phillip, but play with Anne at the same time

“You’ll see me tomorrow, I just need a quick word with your dad, you know, business stuff” Phillip quickly assured them, hoping thy would understand on some level

“Okay” they said together, then jumped up and raced towards the door “C’mon Anne!” They called, beckoning her towards them. Anne stood up, and started to walk in their direction. When she looked back, all three adults mouthed a ‘thank you’ at her, before she disappeared through the double doors with the girls.

Once they were gone, Phillip opened his mouth to ask EXACTLY what they had told the girls, but as if reading his mind Phineas burst “We told them you were practicing trapeze to impress them, and fell, we didn’t tell them you broke your neck-“

“We said you had broke your legs in the fall and would be on crutches for a while” Charity finished, then she added “So really it wasn’t all lies, but Phillip-“

“Why did I do it” Phillip cut her off, then at the look on her face he added “Sorry, Anne asked me that too”

“Oh” she responded “But yes, we’d like an explanation”

“Because I’ve always wanted to” This conversation was starting to remind him of the one he’d just had with Anne

“What, jump off a trapeze with nothing to stop you?” Phineas asked, looking as confused as Anne had (Charity sporting a similar expression)

Phillip responded the same as he’d done with Anne; “No, die” at the look on their faces he realized that no one would take this the way he’d hoped, calmly. He then proceeded to telling them the same things that he’d told Anne, breaking off at the same spot, not because it was too embarrassing or hard to go on, but because he’d realized that neither of them knew of his fight he’d had earlier.

“Fight, what fight?” Asked Charity, who had been looking more and more anxious throughout his little biography

“Did one of the protesters say something?” Phineas pressed “Did they hurt you?”

“No!” Phillip confirmed “It wasn’t the protesters... I had a fight with- with Anne” he finished, wishing he could turn his head to look away. Surprisingly, neither Barnum questioned any further, it was as if they knew he didn’t really want to talk about it.

“Okay so you’d had a bad week, paper work, stress of the shows and anything else that happened, ten your fight with Anne... pushed you over the edge “ Phineas concluded, then “Wait. Phillip, I know you’re more sensible than that. I mean, you’ve had much worse weeks, so if there’s something you’re not telling us...” he trailed off in thought. Then, suddenly with a look of disappointment, he asked “‘Lip... were- were you... drinking?”

Phillip felt his entire face heat up “Well I- um.. it- it- I’d had a bad day, but that is not an excuse. Yes i was drinking. And I regret it- not just because of this, but also cause everyone thought I was doing so well and I’d been sober for so long... I’m sorry” Phillip was I am not mad at himself, he vowed to throw away (or sell) all the bottles he had and to never drink again... no matter what the circumstances are.

“Phillip, hun, it’s gonna be alright. But I think it’s time for you to get some rest. We’ll see you soon” Charity said, with a soft smile. And with that her and Phineas stood up and left, leaving Phillip to his thoughts.

It was then that he realized just how tired he was (how did Charity know before him?). He wanted to roll over, but as that was not possible, he closed his eyes, letting sleep steal him.

By the time Anne had returned (with much thanks from Phineas and Charity) Phillip was sleeping peacefully

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be another chapter...


	4. The Greatest Show

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the moment that Phillip has been waiting for...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this chapter is just a short, wrap-up chapter. Don't expect anything too big.

_Two years later..._

 

Tailcoat? Check. Crutches? Got them. What was he missing? Right, a top hat. Done.

 

It was finally happening! After two long years of training and hard work, he could finally perform. Phillip worried that his legs might give out, he had to keep reminding himself that it was only a few seconds.

 

"Phillip are you ready? Are you still sure you want to do this?" It was Anne, of course. He knew she was extremely worried about him- he was going to perform for the first time in two years... as ringmaster.

"I'm ready! Don't worry, I'll be fine" Phillip called back. But was he ready? The show would start in five minutes, but he would only be on for a little bit so that he'd have time to recover before the very chaotic ending. This was so easy, he had rehearsed for so long... but everything could go wrong in less than a second! 

 

Two minutes and Phillip was shaking. He wanted to run. No, that would let the entire circus down, he was going to do this. 

 

One minute. Time to line up.

 

30 seconds. He could do this. He would be fine.

 

10 seconds, just breathe.

 

5...4...3...2...1... GO!

 

Phillip ran (or moved as fast as he could on his crutches) onto the stage.

 

_Ladies and Gents, this is the moment you've been waiting for..._

 

Phillip let his muscle memory take over so that he could concentrate on thinking and staying calm.

 

He thought over what had happened over the past two years...

____

It had taken nearly a year for his neck to repair. A year of not being able to do anything. But even after that year, he was in a wheelchair. It was only three months, after that he was allowed to start on crutches. The problem was, his legs were now so weak for not doing anything for a year. So, after a while on the crutches, he'd have to go back into the wheelchair. As the days went, his legs become stronger and stronger until a beautiful Tuesday when he had gone the whole day on crutches! He'd slept very soundly that night.

 

All the circus members had been very understanding. None of them had been mad. They'd hardly questioned him. After his 'fall' they'd all begun to calm him when he was angry or had a bad day. It had helped a ton! Anne had been the most help, she had stuck with him the entire time, good days a bad.

 

6 months ago, he had started training for this performance. At first, he had been super excited but then realized that it wouldn't be so easy. He'd practiced every day until he couldn't- or until one of the performers stopped him.

 

A months ago, he'd begun training with the rest of the group. They all worked on this performance WHILE practicing for their own. They were incredible. 

______

And now he was here, on stage, dancing, and singing. And he was HAPPY. He thought through each step, beginning to get nervous for his final trick.

 

_We light it up, we won't come down_

 

It was time. He lifted his crutches (with great difficulty)above his head and spun. Most of the audience had no reaction. There were a few who stood up and cheered. Then he made eye contact with a young girl of about 9 years. The girl was on crutches, and her mouth was wide open. He smiled a little wider and gave her a little nod. Then he put his crutches back on the floor and limped off the stage, letting PT take over. Phillip sat on a bench that was just out of view to watch the other performers.

 

"'Flip, that was amazing! That was... wow!" Anne was running over to him, arms streched out for a hug.

 

"Thanks Anne. It was hard, but I can't wait to do it again!"

 

"We'll see about tha Mr. Carlyle," she winked and walked away to get ready for her next act

 

Phillip watched the rest of the performers do what he used to be able to with ease. A year ago, he would have been mad. Mad at himself for jumping. Mad he couldn't do the things they could. But now? He was smarter now. He knew he could never properly walk again, he knew it would be agony to perform. But he also knew that he wasn't perfect, he couldn't change what happened. He knew the thoughts and feelings would never go away, but now he had friends to help him through it.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry about the cliffhanger, the next chapter will be up in a few days...


End file.
